That Ubiquitous Fight Against Time.

The moon's cyan glow
filters through blinds
She works through the night;
Racing with stars

Battling against
Her dream's
expiry date

Still

Ready?

Fists clenched,
Chin up,
No longer a test.

Jaw tight
Eyes wide
Have to be the best.

Day dreams
Night dreams
Led to a single moment

Some live for
And die for
Desires in the present.

Clock

A ticking clock scares me.

Alone with my thoughts.

All I can think about is what will be. Where I will be in a month? Fear gnaws at my insides.

I can't help but feel terrified. For so many things. For so many people. The issue with me is that I care too much. When something bothers another person, I make it my personal mission to make sure they'll be okay.

I worry about my friends - will they get interviews? What if I waste opportunities that they could have had? I worry when they grieve a loss. I worry when they feel pessimistic.

I soak up the emotions of people who surround me like a sponge.

I worry for life. Who knew it was.so delicate? In two days, someone dear to my friend was taken from the world. 17. Young.

I worry for my parents; my grandparents. I can't disappoint them when they expect so much.

Ultimately, I don't want to fail. If I fail this year, I won't recover.

Scared.

But defiant. I will not accept the low opinions of others. Those opinions are tossed aside, like wood into a bonfire, until the only visible remnants are small glowing embers.

Wholly insignificant.

They fuel my anger. Make me strive to prove otherwise. And I will. Time will show them.

Healing

Everyone needs time to heal when they're broken; when they've fallen. Time to get back on their feet. In retrospect, I've realised that I never really gave myself time to heal when little failures knocked me down, and as a result I let feelings of low self worth, self digust, self pity and depression accumulate. But, a week off has given me time to breathe, to work out (and pig out) and to take a time out to escape from this hole I've been digging myself in.

And now I'm content.

Looking back, I dealt with the shortcomings of 2013 quite badly. The c I got in one chemistry paper made me feel worthless; hopeless. The 655 in my ukcat made me angry; I could've done better. Looking back, I never said: hey, it's okay. I've got AAABB overall. I achieved 6A*s and 8As at GCSE. This grade won't define me. It'll give me another reason to work harder, to fuel my fire.

Even with my ukcat score, in my disappointed state I failed to realise how lucky I was - one of my friends was not so fortunate. But, she was and still is the pure definition of strength. I would've broken in her situation, but she disregarded it and put her efforts into tomorrow rather than dwelling over yesterday. I hope that I can one day possess even a fraction of her strength.

The proximity of the new year has suddenly made me realise how lucky I am. I've realised that I have actually fulfilled my new year's resolution. For one, I applied to Medicine. I got predicted A*A*A and I sat the ominous UKCAT. I raised £120 for charity. I achieved a distinction in Grade 1 and 2 piano - and now I'm working towards Grade 4. I can play the ukulele. I have an interview. I did finally manage to get 5 weeks of work experience (and miraculously at a GP too!)

And I finally have some self worth; some self belief. A year ago, I never would've imagined being where I am now. And I know that there have definitely been lows, some that have taken time to recover from, but they have not blown me from my path; they've simply made me walk with more strength.