I can feel myself
beggining to fall back.
Conscious of it.
Wary of what it is.
My willpower wallows;
My motivation
Is gradually ebbing away,
Like flyaway grains of sand in an egg timer.
I want to stop myself; break the glass.
Before it's too late.
Before fearsome thoughts
Become unretractable actions.
Before I permanently imprint the errors of my lacking resolve on my life.
Dear God, help me prevail.
I'm crumbling before my own eyes;
My resolve torn between surviving and succumbing
To the darkness that waits patiently inside my soul.
That oh-so-familiar blackness,
Sitting smugly
Rearing its ugly head when
I least expect it,
When I least require it.
In my hour of weakness;
Time of reflection,
It'll whisper words into my mind -
Words that rapidly become fears.
Fear is an anchor.
My spirit plummets further than preconceived plausible.
I look around; I have been here before.
Taunted, reminded of mistakes buried in the past.
Haunted; what stops the past from repeating itself?
My fingers cross;
A cry to the patron saint of my fortune; my fate.
Inhale and exhale,
Breathing in dusty air.
I can't help but chuckle
at the action.
Dusty air bathes lungs
That have for long already gathered dust.
No words spoken; they were not necessary. My inner will has faded.
All I have left now is this blackness.
This blackness robs people of their spirits. Ironic, isn't it?
The only thing I have left will leave me with nothing.
Seeing you reminds me of
Lips
Pressing against my skin.
I feel your smile.
They drag, left to right,
Soft; firm.
A pink blush left in their wake.
I bite my own. You chuckle and reciprocate.
I blink. You're staring ahead.
Your gaze does not waver.
Do you know, I wonder?
That seeing you now
Wrenches at memories of
Kisses. Along my neck, down my collarbone.
Gently taking the skin of my earlobe
Between your teeth.
My eyes do not leave yours
Burning into mine. Seeing you
Makes me feel like a pathetic little girl with
A high school crush;
small and powerless.
You take a step towards me
But my feet have fixed themselves
To the rocky ground beneath them.
Another.
Inside I cry
For my limbs to obey.
They do not.
And now, you're only
A hand's length away.
Suddenly I can't bear to look at you.
Another step.
Closer, now.
So close
That your breath caresses
My cheeks. Close enough to smell wisps
Of the aftershave you're wearing.
I lean towards you instinctively
No.
I feel your hand reach out
And my mind screams at
My body to move.
I must go now.
I have to go now.
I walk away.
